The Christmas Light I Still Look For

Nanay,

the holidays are folding themselves into the days again, the way they always do, lights going up, music floating through stores, people rushing toward celebration. And yet, I feel outside of it this year, as if the season is happening behind glass.

Everyone talks about the Christmas spirit as though it’s something you can just step into, but for me, it lived in you. You were the warmth that made the house feel whole. The way your laugh filled the quiet, the way you moved through December as if you carried your own constellation. Without you, the season feels dimmer, like someone turned the volume down on the world.

I keep longing for the feeling I had when you were here, not the gifts, not the gatherings, but that steady, familiar glow you brought to all of us. You were the spirit. The center. The one who made everything soft enough to breathe in. And even now, with the days growing colder and the lights returning to windows, I’m still trying to understand how to walk through this time without you.

But I’m writing to you, Nanay, because that longing is its own kind of light. And maybe this year, my way of feeling Christmas is simply letting myself miss you, honestly and without rushing.

May we meet again, Nanay ko. 🕊 Someday, I will see you again for the first time, in every lifetime..🥀 I'll wander off to distant places just to find you once again. 🧭 In the clouds, I'll see you. ✈️

I miss and love you so so much, beyond measure!!!! 💛♥️💛